The Things We Say

One of the highlights of my job is hearing the occasional gaffe of fellow airline pilots over the radio. Not to long ago, as I was flying out of DFW, I was on departure control and witnessed the following exchange between departure and a Big Brother flight. It was especially hilarious because it's not a secret that the vast majority of Big Brother pilots believe they are the best in the industry, i.e. they alone have been gifted with "the right stuff."

Big Brother Pilot: "Departure, American xxxx with you, two thousand for ten thousand."

ATC: "American xxxx, Radar Contact."

Two Minutes Later:

ATC: "American xxxx, are you hand-flying that RNAV departure?"

Big Brother Pilot: (Long Pause) "Affirmative."

ATC: "American xxxx, lets just say that we can tell."

Needless to say, the captain and I got a good laugh out of that exchange all the way to our destination that night. It isn't uncommon to hear exchanges like this; this profession requires that you maintain a sense of humor. The alternative: pull your hair out as a result of all the frustration that also comes with this job.

I found a few more ATC exchanges that others have heard:

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>This was heard quite a few years back at an airport that AA and SWA share, when all SWA Jets were still brown (and SWA was making bank, AA was not):

ATC: "American follow that uhh... well I don't know what color that is, follow the southwest jet on Bravo"

AA Pilot: "Follow Southwest on Bravo... What kind of ugly color is that any way?"

SWA Pilot: (Without missing a beat): "It's the color of money."

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>Coming into Philly, we heard the following:

Female Pilot: "Center, any chance of a shortcut for United XXX?"

Unknown voice: "sweetheart, you've been given shortcuts your whole career."

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Chicago Approach: "Lindberger xxxx, turn left to 360, maintain 6000."

Lindbergh: "LINDBERGHxxx, left to 360, 6000"

Chicago Approach: "Lindberger xxxx slow to 170, turn left 300, intercept ILS 28 localizer"

Lindbergh: "It's LINDBERGH, AS IN CHARLES. Left to 300 slow to 170 intercept the loc"

Chicago Approach: "Charles Lindberger xxxx, cleared ILS 28. Maintain 170 to Willt, contact the tower at Willt."

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>While taxiing at LaGuardia the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.

Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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>Friend of mine was flying Captain of a 727 from A to B. The female ATC controller called them 3-4 times without a response.

Female ATC Controller: "Airline 123, are you listening to me?"

Airline 123: "Yes ma'am, we hear you."

Female ATC Controller: "I called you 3-4 times and you didn't respond. Listen up!"

Airline 123: (Without any delay) "I'm sorry ma'am, you sounded so much like my wife I was just naturally ignoring you."

Male ATC Controller: (After a 15 second pause and laughter in the background) "Roger Airline 123, I understand"

True story as verified by his co-pilot.